The couples that tend to indulge in egregious PDA in real life tend to be younger folks for whom being in a relationship is still excitingly novel, and they want to show that off. I imagine it's much the same in FFXI.
I've seen people in their 30's doing it, though... >.>
The main issue I think people have with this sort of thing is the trust factor. It's too easy for manthras and the like to exist, but also as Liela said, they may turn out to be an axe murderer (perhaps a little exaggerated, but you get the point). The thing is though, how is that any different to a "RL" relationship? Where does it say that because you know them in real life they're more trustworthy? Can anyone say that every real life couple they know of hasn't had their fair share of problems, or has no-one heard of real life relationships that went bad?
For the most part, I think people that start a relationship this way take a lot longer to get to know each other than people in a "RL" relationship before things get serious. This means that most major differences probably come out before they even meet, which are then dealt with or end the relationship. I doubt these problems are any better or worse than in a "RL" relationship, but the fact that things are kept on-line can help to prevent them getting too messy.
If you go out of your way to find a relationship in FFXI, or any on-line setting, you're probably asking for trouble. But when you're not looking for it, and it just turns up, take your time, enjoy it, and see what comes of it, you may never believe just how good it can be :)
The main issue I think people have with this sort of thing is the trust factor. It's too easy for manthras and the like to exist, but also as Liela said, they may turn out to be an axe murderer (perhaps a little exaggerated, but you get the point). The thing is though, how is that any different to a "RL" relationship? Where does it say that because you know them in real life they're more trustworthy? Can anyone say that every real life couple they know of hasn't had their fair share of problems, or has no-one heard of real life relationships that went bad?
For the most part, I think people that start a relationship this way take a lot longer to get to know each other than people in a "RL" relationship before things get serious. This means that most major differences probably come out before they even meet, which are then dealt with or end the relationship. I doubt these problems are any better or worse than in a "RL" relationship, but the fact that things are kept on-line can help to prevent them getting too messy.
If you go out of your way to find a relationship in FFXI, or any on-line setting, you're probably asking for trouble. But when you're not looking for it, and it just turns up, take your time, enjoy it, and see what comes of it, you may never believe just how good it can be :)
I do sorta think rl relationships are more trustworthy, because you are right next to that person. You can see in their house, their parents, their other friends, their siblings. Over the internet, there's a higher tendency to be dishonest, I think, because there's less chance of being found out and less penalty if you do find out. What is your e-girlfriend going to do if she finds out you lied to her? Tell your e-mother? Yeah, right. You are certainly right in that rl relationships have their fair share of problems too, though, and that the best relationships come when you are just out loving life instead of out desperately searching.
The thing is though, how is that any different to a "RL" relationship? Where does it say that because you know them in real life they're more trustworthy?
It doesn't nessicarily, yet, the anonymity of the internet makes it easier, and in most cases, more likely that someone will claim to be someone that they are not, or be someone they're not.
A perfect example is how the people who avoid conflict at all costs in real life, are some of the biggest *** and internet tough guys when they get behind that monitor.
If you go out of your way to find a relationship in FFXI, or any on-line setting, you're probably asking for trouble. But when you're not looking for it, and it just turns up, take your time, enjoy it, and see what comes of it, you may never believe just how good it can be :)
Agree, just take it easy. Loneliness/Neediness can be a trap door to disaster. Its like the Old Cat Stevens Song say. "take your time, and think a lot!" (Father & Son)
I say it's easier to be less... well less everything when online. Some people seem to think there are no consequences and it's "not real or just online" or that it's all just words on a screen like they did nothing at all.
But never say never I suppose, because Originally I thought it'd never happen to me, but you just get on with some people.
After meeting 5-6 times (we lived far apart) we were pretty happy, she went to University and it was unfair to keep her anchored to me when I have no car, and University is all about new opportunities etc.
I certainly understand what you guys are saying, but that just makes my other point all the more valid, take your time. Even in an on-line relationship, if you're with someone for a while the lies won't hold up so well over time.
I'm certainly guilty of the internet tough guy thing at times when, as Slip so accurately picked, I go out of my way to avoid trouble irl. I don't really know why I can be such an *** on the net, Dasva has probably seen that side of me more than most, but I guess it's a little of me saying what I really think, without fear that I'm going to offend the person to the point where they beat the living snot out of me, whereas IRL I'll withhold my comments so that I stay in one piece.
I guess what I didn't really see (or refused to see? Didn't care to see?) until just recently, is that I can still offend people to that point, they just can't beat the snot out of me.
The reason I'm saying this is because it kinda backs up the last few points about internet anonymity, and that it could just as easily apply to on-line dating. I know some people on-line really are awesome, genuine people, and I doubt I'd still be playing if it weren't for a few of them, but I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that are kinda like myself, only opposite? That is to say, while I can be a real *** on-line, (which I regret, and I'm working on that attitude) IRL I consider myself to be a much nicer, more considerate person, while others might be really nice and considerate on-line, when behind the scenes they're just a real *** saying exactly what they need to get what they want.
Okay, I'm totally ranting. But basically, I can agree that on-line dating isn't risk free, but even with all the anonymity *** that can come with it, if you find someone you really like and you both try and make it work, I think you have as much chance of making it "in the real world" as any couple who met there.
But never say never I suppose, because Originally I thought it'd never happen to me, but you just get on with some people.
After meeting 5-6 times (we lived far apart) we were pretty happy, she went to University and it was unfair to keep her anchored to me when I have no car, and University is all about new opportunities etc.
Sounds like that ended due to very real life issues, rather than on-line drama? Why would that give you something against an on-line relationship?
But never say never I suppose, because Originally I thought it'd never happen to me, but you just get on with some people.
After meeting 5-6 times (we lived far apart) we were pretty happy, she went to University and it was unfair to keep her anchored to me when I have no car, and University is all about new opportunities etc.
Sounds like that ended due to very real life issues, rather than on-line drama? Why would that give you something against an on-line relationship?
Being in an online relationship was the most stressful thing I've ever done.
Especially if you have no way to meet the person your with regularly, it's feels like your locked in a box that you really like, but still want to be free from.
I certainly understand what you guys are saying, but that just makes my other point all the more valid, take your time. Even in an on-line relationship, if you're with someone for a while the lies won't hold up so well over time.
I'm certainly guilty of the internet tough guy thing at times when, as Slip so accurately picked, I go out of my way to avoid trouble irl. I don't really know why I can be such an *** on the net, Dasva has probably seen that side of me more than most, but I guess it's a little of me saying what I really think, without fear that I'm going to offend the person to the point where they beat the living snot out of me, whereas IRL I'll withhold my comments so that I stay in one piece.
I guess what I didn't really see (or refused to see? Didn't care to see?) until just recently, is that I can still offend people to that point, they just can't beat the snot out of me.
The reason I'm saying this is because it kinda backs up the last few points about internet anonymity, and that it could just as easily apply to on-line dating. I know some people on-line really are awesome, genuine people, and I doubt I'd still be playing if it weren't for a few of them, but I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that are kinda like myself, only opposite? That is to say, while I can be a real *** on-line, (which I regret, and I'm working on that attitude) IRL I consider myself to be a much nicer, more considerate person, while others might be really nice and considerate on-line, when behind the scenes they're just a real *** saying exactly what they need to get what they want.
Okay, I'm totally ranting. But basically, I can agree that on-line dating isn't risk free, but even with all the anonymity *** that can come with it, if you find someone you really like and you both try and make it work, I think you have as much chance of making it "in the real world" as any couple who met there.
LoL, I knwo what ya mean. Sometimes in game I can come off as abrasive. But in real life I am a very gentle and kind man who has 3 young daughters and is very active in church and going to school for Biblical Ministries/Human Services. But in game I can get easily annoyed but in RL its extremely hard to annoy me or get me upset about much of anything. Basically I can absolutely agree that the internet real/not real thing makes us act in ways that we maybe do not in RL.
So I can see that happening in the Dating arena as well.
It can work, me and my gf are proof, been together 3 years 2 months now, doesnt always work but in some cases it can...
Now onto what i really mean : Love is worth it - It is worth the risk.
Life's full of sh!t times and we all need someone to help us get through it, where or how you know/meet that person doesnt matter, if their there for you, nothing else matters.
Imo finding someone that meets relationship material on FFXI is easier than going on any other e-dating sites. Aside from having XI in common you really do get a better feel for the person, provided they are genuine. That's where it becomes a trust issue. Yes, it can be really easy to misrepresent yourself, it is an RPG after all, but noone here has yet to point out its just as easy to do this IRL. The lonely wife, the cheating husband, the spouse who works late.. all things to amplify dishonesty.
I have seen several "IRL" XI relationships too, a few that have raised the eyebrows of many. Being an old-school social LS leader for many years I saw it happen on several occaions, all actually helping out the people involved in the long run of it.
My two cents: If you are lucky enough to find a true connection with someone (no lies, upfront honesty to your true character), never question the means as to how it started. Embrace it. Screw what anyone else says... To deny your truth is to deny your self.
In many ways FFXI has helped me become the person I am IRL today. I had a hell of a shy streak in me, seldom spoke my mind, and always held back a little. In game my persona became increasingly sarcastic as Ive always been quick with a comment, I embraced being the resident "***" in game to a point and came of brash when I had to, even worse if provoked. A lot of that has spilled over IRL and I can say I feel like a well balanced person. Aside from family and people IRL I talk to I've met through FFXI, I pretty much kept it a secret. People who did'nt know I was wrapped up in a MMO did notice I drastically "broke out of my shell".
I havnt played seriously in some time, but after 6 years of playing I will always feel its presence.
My significant other and I met on FFXI. It's not a matter of dampening option..sometimes it just...happens. I have met men IRL...even been married twice, dated a fair bit, etc...
After my second divorce I met a guy, we started talking, doing things in game together, then randomly decided to meet IRL to hang out. After he drove seven hours we had a great weekend, about a month after that he came back here to stay.
Illumina and I have been living together for almost two full years now. We share more hobbies than just our FFXI "addiction". We both enjoy camping, fishing, hiking, we like the same movies, work full time jobs, etc.. We have an extremely rewarding life outside of the game. No intentions of being married any time soon, but we are a Boy Meets Girl success story.
Meeting friends or love interests in the game doesn't mean you have no life or that you can't do any better. It doesn't make you sad or pathetic. Doesn't mean you are ugly or fat. It simply means you are human and you found a connection with someone else through a mutual hobby. Really...not much different than people meeting at a bar, sporting event, or whatever hobby/social outing you want to imagine.
The main issue I think people have with this sort of thing is the trust factor. It's too easy for manthras and the like to exist, but also as Liela said, they may turn out to be an axe murderer (perhaps a little exaggerated, but you get the point). The thing is though, how is that any different to a "RL" relationship? Where does it say that because you know them in real life they're more trustworthy? Can anyone say that every real life couple they know of hasn't had their fair share of problems, or has no-one heard of real life relationships that went bad?
For the most part, I think people that start a relationship this way take a lot longer to get to know each other than people in a "RL" relationship before things get serious. This means that most major differences probably come out before they even meet, which are then dealt with or end the relationship. I doubt these problems are any better or worse than in a "RL" relationship, but the fact that things are kept on-line can help to prevent them getting too messy.
If you go out of your way to find a relationship in FFXI, or any on-line setting, you're probably asking for trouble. But when you're not looking for it, and it just turns up, take your time, enjoy it, and see what comes of it, you may never believe just how good it can be :)
I do sorta think rl relationships are more trustworthy, because you are right next to that person. You can see in their house, their parents, their other friends, their siblings. Over the internet, there's a higher tendency to be dishonest, I think, because there's less chance of being found out and less penalty if you do find out. What is your e-girlfriend going to do if she finds out you lied to her? Tell your e-mother? Yeah, right. You are certainly right in that rl relationships have their fair share of problems too, though, and that the best relationships come when you are just out loving life instead of out desperately searching.
This is one point I am going to prove wrong real quick.
My first husband. We met when I was 17. Worked together and hung out as friends for a full year before dating. we dated for 10 months before moving in together. Lived together for 7 months before getting married. (Yes, I was young, stupid, and married too young..but that's not the point). At this time we had known and been together for OVER two years...IRL...side by side..face to face. I knew his family, we had a home, we had mutual friends, I knew his job. Three months after our wedding...he broke my arm. Had NEVER laid a hand on me in anger before that moment. NEVER. i KNEW this man. A month after my arm was out of the cast...He broke my nose. At that point. I left him. I got out..and as far away from him as i could.
IRL is not ALWAYS more trustworthy than the internet. I met the love of my life on FFXI. Kind, gentle, funny, smart, etc..etc.. and the most horrible person I've had in my life..I knew IRL for a very long time.
You have to be as careful IRL as you do over the internet.
Honestly, in-game I've only ever seen people getting stalked all over the place by freaking wierdos with sex addictions and scary attention complexes.
I'm not saying it's not possible for two people to meet in a game and fall in love, marry, spend the rest of their lives together etc. happily ever after. But there's just not a very good chance of that happening to you lol, that's the way I see it. I can't stand people who try to run around in game like they think ffxi has been bought out by e-harmony or something; if I could give those people one piece of advice, it would be that in my experience love will find you when/where you least expect it, and trying to force it will only lead down a dead end where you're better off just pulling yourself together, going outside and enjoying the fresh air and sunshine for a while.
Other than that, too many "relationships" in game revolve around gear and reputation to make it even worth it to use the game as a potential dating forum. Again, not saying that it can't happen but just that I don't personally consider ffxi-based relationships to be anything serious.
I think meeting people in game is no better/worse then meeting them through any of your other life activities.
I do agree that you should be more careful. I also think it's easier to be careful online, I've seen a lot of bad stuff go down in Bars (just recently a mates GF had something slipped in her drink, ended the night in hospital just incase.)
People saying you shouldn't date online are like people saying you shouldn't date workmates. Back when I was a poor student working the registers at a supermarket I plowed through the chicks at the store. Everyone had a good time and there wasn't any messy breakups.
Sure only 1 of the relationships turned out to be serious (long since over now though) but I was young and didn't really care. Otheres have huge drama's if they have work repationships.
It all comes down to the people, everyone is different. Everyone would handle it a different way.
//I've never had an online romantic relationship. However one of my mates that I now hang out with, I met through FFXI.
The main issue I think people have with this sort of thing is the trust factor. It's too easy for manthras and the like to exist, but also as Liela said, they may turn out to be an axe murderer (perhaps a little exaggerated, but you get the point). The thing is though, how is that any different to a "RL" relationship? Where does it say that because you know them in real life they're more trustworthy? Can anyone say that every real life couple they know of hasn't had their fair share of problems, or has no-one heard of real life relationships that went bad?
For the most part, I think people that start a relationship this way take a lot longer to get to know each other than people in a "RL" relationship before things get serious. This means that most major differences probably come out before they even meet, which are then dealt with or end the relationship. I doubt these problems are any better or worse than in a "RL" relationship, but the fact that things are kept on-line can help to prevent them getting too messy.
If you go out of your way to find a relationship in FFXI, or any on-line setting, you're probably asking for trouble. But when you're not looking for it, and it just turns up, take your time, enjoy it, and see what comes of it, you may never believe just how good it can be :)
I do sorta think rl relationships are more trustworthy, because you are right next to that person. You can see in their house, their parents, their other friends, their siblings. Over the internet, there's a higher tendency to be dishonest, I think, because there's less chance of being found out and less penalty if you do find out. What is your e-girlfriend going to do if she finds out you lied to her? Tell your e-mother? Yeah, right. You are certainly right in that rl relationships have their fair share of problems too, though, and that the best relationships come when you are just out loving life instead of out desperately searching.
This is one point I am going to prove wrong real quick.
My first husband. We met when I was 17. Worked together and hung out as friends for a full year before dating. we dated for 10 months before moving in together. Lived together for 7 months before getting married. (Yes, I was young, stupid, and married too young..but that's not the point). At this time we had known and been together for OVER two years...IRL...side by side..face to face. I knew his family, we had a home, we had mutual friends, I knew his job. Three months after our wedding...he broke my arm. Had NEVER laid a hand on me in anger before that moment. NEVER. i KNEW this man. A month after my arm was out of the cast...He broke my nose. At that point. I left him. I got out..and as far away from him as i could.
IRL is not ALWAYS more trustworthy than the internet. I met the love of my life on FFXI. Kind, gentle, funny, smart, etc..etc.. and the most horrible person I've had in my life..I knew IRL for a very long time.
You have to be as careful IRL as you do over the internet.
Oh, you are correct, you have to be careful in both, and like I said, rl relationships have their fair share of problems, too. Another case-in-point: a girl I knew in high school married a guy she'd known in rl and then had to run away from him to get a divorce because he kept beating her up. (Ofc, some people say that was karma because she got with him after cheating on her fiance who was away at Basic Training for the navy, but any way you look at it, she thought she knew this guy and she had no idea he would beat her.) It can absolutely happen in either kind of relationship. I simply think it's slightly more likely in an online relationship is all. Or perhaps I'm just not trusting enough to give myself over to someone online. That doesn't mean that other people can't do it, and I don't mind in the least if other people do it. Just, I personally would be hesitant, at least until I knew the guy for a good long time. (I had a friend who quit quite awhile ago who would spend two weeks with a guy online and think she was in love with him. Always ended in disaster. :-( Give it more time!)
ninja edit: Perhaps also the fact that I am married and have absolutely zero interest in men other than my husband has something to do with it. I don't ignore other guys in-game, but I'm simply not interested in them so I don't spend the time with them necessary to build a trusting relationship. That could certainly influence my hesitancy when it comes to online trust. How can I trust you if I am not interested and don't spend any time with you?
If you're happy in real life with them after making the transition out of game, who can criticize?
That being said, I can never shake the feeling that they could have done better if they hadn't gimped their initial selection pool down to the (relatively tiny) subset of the population that plays a certain game to begin with.
It's kind of like only looking for love at a Renaissance Fair. Yeah, you can be absolutely sure you guys have that one thing in common. But you've so limited your selection pool that you've potentially passed over a crapton of people that might have more in common with you overall.
I totally agree with Jaerik. I met my fiance on MSN chat website back in 2000. We talked, we chatted, we typed, we eventually went to webcam, and we went from there. I lived 1 1/2 hour, and found out she was on my way to my work.
I cannot stress, that one should not leave any possibility out. Hey,it might mean that you could possibly meet your significant other almost anywhere, albeit a pool hall, bar, park while walking a family pet, do not rule any other place to meet a person. You limit yourself, you limit yer chances of success!
Women are crazy, so I'm content just enjoying the game and the company of friends within it :D
No, I'm not gay, but rather I am avoiding potential drama and heartbreak which honestly is the last thing I need in life right now, especially if it's coming from a freakin video game.
I met my husband (Tmiller) on FFXI about 5 years ago now. We'd been linkshell buddies for ages, and were quite close friends for well over a year before we'd made the jump to online dating. At the time we were both in different countries (He was in the USA and I was in the UK), both in university and with hectic schedules).
Fast forward to now, we're married (Had our 2nd wedding anniversary back in Feb), living in the same country (wewt!) and honestly couldn't be happier. (Well... I could... if he'd only let me have the TV remote once in a while...)
For the 2+ years of online dating, I'd have to say it was a lot more work than if he was in the same proximity as me lol. It's stressful, scary and oh-so-very frustrating. You take a lot of things for granted, things like being able to hold your partner's hand etc, little things that were just that, became these huge obstacles that no amount of grumbling could help you cross at that time.
There's a lot of trust involved in something like that since you can't possibly see what they're like in their off-time, so it's really a big risk for anyone, regardless of if you think you know them or not.
It was rocky when we first moved in together, we both found things that made eachother crazy, like T didn't like me smoking so I quit (like that helped my mood lmao), and he was a *** sometimes haha (it goes both ways)...
I can see why online dating gets such a bad rep, too many people take advantage of others and there's no guarantee on who you're going to meet. The person you're talking to online could be doing the ol' Jekyll and Hyde routine and more often than not you find out too late. Heck, my mom used to online date a lot and she met some very... interesting characters, so I never thought I'd meet my guy in the same way.
Online dating still has a really bad stigma of guys just looking for boobs, heck, try ChatRoulette lol. But I'm sure as more and more people start to find people they're happy with, then maybe the whole "Yeah but girls don't use the intarwebz so really you're chatting up some bearded old guy" vision could be dropped a bit (thinking back to chatroulette.... maybe not! lmao)
Sorry for the wall of text e_e lol, I suuuuuck at putting things into short versions e_e!
I met my hubby on FFXI 3 years ago. It has been a blast; he is my closest friend. We have a lot in common and our competitive natures really mix well together. We've got a baby on the way that is due in November. Thanks, video games!
How many of us have heard the stories of boy meets girl and fall in love and have an FFXI wedding pre their RL wedding? I personally know 3 couples now who have gone down that path.
We all know the gaming community gets a bad rap due to a few folks who become slaves to the game. And this leads to people keeping their FFXI lives a secret sometimes socially. When in all honesty, most of us live productive lives: going to school, working (sometimes 2-3 jobs), family, friends, etc.
So that being said, how do you all feel about the FFXI "dating" thing when game turns to RL? I would love to get some feed back.
