Death

First off, I don't expect anything to come from this.

Second thing, I don't expect anything positive.

I'm just typing this because I don't know what to do at the moment. I have just had a death happen. Something very personal, something I loved, more than I thought, more than I know, more than I realized. I didn't know that feelings like this could be so brutalizing to have, and so painful to experience. I wish now, more than ever in my life, that I was not human, because I don't understand how any human can cope with this pain, this horror, of never seeing something you love again.

But why does death have to scare me so much? Why must I have to feel this? I thought I was better than this. I thought I would have been able to cope, to control my emotions, become something less human. Why must I be human to feel this? Why the pain has to happen 10, 20, nay 100-fold more hurtful than anyone here on this forum, anyone at my school, anyone in my city can ever do to me? Why must I feel pain for something I love?

And why do I love so much, that the loss has to be this unbearable? Why can't I be a heartless asshole like others? Can they cope with this pain? If they can cope with this, what do they do with this? Why must I have to love in the first place? Why can't I throw away this one feeling, this one worthless, hateful feeling away and finally be able to control my emotions?

How can one cope with this at all? Who is brave enough to stand at the face of death, and watch something you love die like this? Is this pain really a testament of one's love? I can't think it is, because love and pain are complete opposites of the emotional spectrum. Even I, who wishes nothing more than complete void of emotion, know enough about it to see that this isn't logical, this doesn't make sense.

Why must we die anyway? It might be considered as the "natural way of life" but I think it is the answer of a given up question. Must we die so we can see how much love is given to us? Could that be it, one of Death's little tests of humanity? Or is this just some absine idea of human's fear of the unknown? I don't want anyone to die, and now that I have seen Death come to take something I love most dearly, should I fight it? Am I fighting it now, wishing deeply that this is all a dream and I will wake up in my bed in the morning and the day has not happened yet?

I'm sorry for my rambings, but I need to think out loud. Please inform me of your hatrid of me, so I can be better, or at least more towards normal.