FFXIAH Linkshell Ni

I've gotten to this point where I'm almost annoyed to be in the same space/talking to her. I don't hate her, but I just...
don't really want to be around her I guess?

I've been trying to decide if it's just a mixture of my usual stress/anxiety/depression that's then amplified due to the child causing me to just be overall numb to people, or if I'm really just not connecting with her anymore.

I keep looking at our interactions now and I just don't know if we ever really meshed well, like some days it seems like we can hold a conversation and other days I feel like we're both just barely dragging topics out of each other. Her values and goals feel incredibly different than mine and not just in a "Oh yea we're different people" sorta way.

I don't feel like I provide enough support to her either because I just... can't be assed? I don't even know how to word this one, I guess part of it is she doesn't really have any friends and I do have those outside connections. The only people she can really go to besides me is family where as I'm almost completely disconnected from my family except in extreme circumstances (deaths, inner family squabbles that I actually have to be a part of).

On that note, being anywhere near her family is an extreme amount of nope for me, I don't even want to waste my time going over for holidays anymore, I literally can't stand the way they operate, especially since 90% of the time some kind of argument and large amounts of yelling ensue when I join them, and I'm not even a part of it. It is literally their family ripping into each other for the tiniest things and I have to stop myself from joining in/outright leaving in the middle of it because it just doesn't involve me.

I also keep wondering if I'm ever going to be able to properly provide the support she needs as a significant other, as we both suffer from depression. However we obviously have different ways of dealing with it when it hits hard, she shuts down far more than I do because I can at least get a manic episode in every so often to cover for things, or my episodes end up... weaker? Than hers and I'll still get out of bed to at least do the essentials (cleanup, wash dishes, stuff like that). She is... much more severe, she essentially shuts down. I understand this, and I try to help when it happens, but if I attempt to do anything around the house when she's in this mood it ends up back firing on me because then she feels worse because I apparently am not allowed to be a fellow resident of the household and actually do any house work. I had to pull teeth to be "allowed" to do dishes.

Which is frustrating, because I grew up in a military home, where dishes are done either when you're done with the meal, or within 24 hours. If you really have to delay it, you at least rinse things out to make stuff easier/faster down the line. She... doesn't do or seem to understand this, and will also constantly gripe about how dishes wouldn't be anywhere near as bad if we had a dishwasher... they'd be the same, nothing would change.

I just...

Then there's the child who I feel I'm getting shorter and shorter with and it keeps reminding me that... I really don't want to nor do I think I am prepared/suited for parenthood. I'm not stupid enough to completely neglect a wee human but... I really just... don't care? Like, I don't feel any connection to this child other than basic "she is a living being and I can't just let her die when she's really done nothing wrong" and I feel like that... really wrong of me if I'm going to stay in this relationship...

I guess overall we're not really that good for each other and that I am in no way the kind of support she, or her child, needs. The only good thing I think I even bring to the table for her right now is some amount of financial stability(I've been paying out of pocket college expenses for the past... 7 months?) and what little social interaction I've managed to force her into just because I'm constantly in some kind of communication with friends.

I'm kind of afraid I'm going to end up like my father, marrying a woman I don't really care for just to keep up appearances around a child, except this time without any real care being had for the child involved.
But then I'm also afraid of what ends up happening if I do decide this isn't worth it and take off, like no matter what I do I end up screwing her over because... there's no way her family can support her, especially while in college, if I decide to leave. But then am I just staying because I'm afraid of the repercussions and not because I actually want to stay?

She's a great person, and we get along but... I don't know.

TDLR: I'm picking apart every little thing and I'm not sure if it's just me being an *** or if this relationship really isn't going to work out in the end

remember the serenity prayer.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference

there are some "deal breakers" in there that you two need to work out. everything from how many kids you want to where you want to live how you want to raise the kids where you want to retire how and who handles the money and pays the bills and the whole division of labor stuff

if you two are not going in the same direction then logic dictates you're only going to get further and further apart.

and the kid is tough. you fall in love with the little buggers only to have them yanked away or used as leverage. I've been there and it's rough.

Rather than get upset about it I enjoy the time I spend with them. it's better to loved and lost than never loved at all... type deal.

my sugestion is make a plan. write down where you see yourself in five/ten year increments or so from now until you die... here's my rough plan

22-married 25-buy a house 30-finish having 2-3 kids 40-work my *** off 50-kids leave house 55-finish paying off the house 60 enjoy the grandkids 65 realize I didn't save enough for retirement 75 retire/die

have her write one and compare the two if her's says she is done having kids, wants to use spaath until she finishs college, she wants to ditch her kid on spaath, move to california and smoke pot on the beach and follow whatever band replaced the grateful dead that kids follow around....

you got real problems

I'm the one who doesn't care for the child. I thoughgt that maybe she'd grow on me and maybe I'd be a little better off after spending more time around her.

To follow up on this, she talks about having another little one off and on and I just... don't want it. I really don't even want the current one. Maybe that'll change down the line but I really don't see much in myself when it comes to wanting any children.


As for the paying college thing, that's up in the air. To my knowledge she is not attempting to use me for that in any way. Basically what happened is before I came in her father was able to pay for anything that wasn't covered by her scholarships/grants/whatever, but at that point he was employed and she was only in community college.

When I showed up, her father ended up having a stroke and has wound up essentially jobless for the last... 10 months? because of it, he and the rest of her family (mother, 2 teenage siblings) are essentially living off of his savings, his social secuirty, and what little money her mother brings in by selling "Posh."

So basically as soon as I got a job I had to take over everything, which I was willing to do at the time because I felt like I needed to. I had essentially been living rent free up until that point(3 months ish? Granted I was paying for things around the house that were absolutely needed)since I didn't have a job and was having terrible luck getting one.

However, originally it was decided we would split bills if I moved in, me taking most of the work(rent) while he handled lesser things such as utility bills. Within 1-2 months his tune changed completely and I had to pay all of it. Again, I was okay with this because his situation had changed, and as I said before I was essentially a freeloader up until this point(my words). Even though he's been cleared by doctors nobody wants to hire a man who just had a stroke, especially since his original position as a pharmacist really does require 99-100% functioning brain. That said, that family spends incredibly frivolously, having their entire kitchen, outside of the house, and pool area remodeled(part of which included getting a hot tub) during all of this while knowing he may not be able to get his job back.

... and I've gone on a rant...

Basically, she's not a scum bag or anything, and most of the "bad qualities" are on me.