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Meanwhile at Wonkette....
Garuda.Chanti
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Posts: 11372
By Garuda.Chanti 2015-05-25 21:05:02
This a news source that is significantly to the left of Mother Jones and the Nation. I mean they fly the hammer and sickle.
They have a wonderful yellow journalism style which has so vanished from major sources except for Fox.
But they don't just castigate the right, they take on pretentious fools like Deepak Chopra as well.
I will continue to post their tirades against the right in Random P&R when appropriate but their rants against fools will be posted here.
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Posts: 6427
By Grumpy Cat 2015-05-25 21:07:08
God damnit, I really thought this was going to be something to do with a chocolate factory.
Garuda.Chanti
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Game: FFXI
Posts: 11372
By Garuda.Chanti 2015-05-25 21:07:43
The Snake Oil Bulletin: Deepak Chopra Has Derp Thoughts About Evolution
Feel free to access the actual post, it has many amusing links.
Quote: Greetings, grifters! It’s time again for the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly installment of the latest and greatest in quantum woo woo and pseudoscience. This week we have a return guest! Our favorite Oprah-approved king of quackery. No, not that one. The other one. No, not the guy with the muppet mustache. The OTHER other one. Yeah, Deepak Chopra! That “wholeness regulates dimensional reality” ***. He has some thinking thoughts for all you naysayers who say he’s full of … nay, and he’s going to blast those Deep Thoughts right atcha. Let’s cascade our potentiality into this pile of conscious awareness.
Deepak Chopra has some quantum consciousness to think at you scientists
Everyone’s favorite guru of gobshit has a mad, you guys. A super big mad.
About a week back pesky scientist type person Steve Newton submitted a piece on Chopra to Valerie Strauss for the WaPo’s blog, detailing the latest of Deepak’s *** bonanza:
Chopra says he believes that there is some “consciousness” that flows through the universe—an energy field created by all living things, surrounding us and penetrating us, binding the galaxy together…no, wait, that’s the Force I’m thinking of. Chopra’s notion of consciousness has more in common with that book The Secret, which says if you just think really hard you can change reality. (A lot of children engage in this magical thinking, but as they mature they outgrow it—apparently with some exceptions.)
Chopra has argued that this universal magic is the driving force behind evolution, not that silly natural selection claptrap. How “thinking” is capable of causing a genetic response to shifting environmental stimuli is a mystery, but what is consciousness if not literally anything Chopra wants it to mean?
Chopra promises proof for his outlandish claims that Darwin was wrong and that consciousness drives evolution, but I’m not going to hold my breath. Holding my breath would lead to low oxygen saturation in the blood and a slightly delusional state, which might make me susceptible to hearing incoherent babbling strewn with scientific terms—quantum! electro-chemical! wave-particle duality!—and mistaking it for meaningful statements. Chopra’s misappropriation of scientific terms in the service of his nonsense mirrors the way Scientology operates, and likely for the same reason: to make a buck from the gullible.
Oof, save some jugular for the rest of us, Steve.
Chopra didn’t take kindly to this slight against his quantum grift, so he took to the internutz to respond. He sent a response to Strauss in which he detailed why he’s so controversial among people with grey matter. Throughout his response, Chopra does not seem to realize that Valerie Strauss is not Steve Newton, the scientist who originally wrote the piece, so if the accusations he makes seem a bit odd, just remember that Chopra is so conscious of the universe that he couldn’t be arsed to read beyond the first by-line:
n a recent blog, Valerie Strauss goes beyond catcalls, accusing me of being an evolution denier, which is absolutely false. I work and write with high-level scientists, including physicists, geneticists, and others who believe, as I do, that mainstream science, like mainstream medicine, has a lot to gain from keeping the flow of ideas moving.
Deepak, you work with scientists in the same way Emilia Clarke “works” with dragons, and that’s a Targaryen burn.
As far as evolution is concerned, there’s a cadre of strict Darwinists who will push back against any encroachment into their field, but neo-Darwinism, which tries to address glaring gaps in Darwin’s original theory (after all, he knew nothing of DNA, genes, and the chemical basis of mutations) is a respected field, too. I often think that my interest in genetics, which has led to a book being published this fall, arouses vehement objections because scientists want to protect their turf, and seeing an interested amateur write about troubling issues they haven’t resolved causes them to cry, “How dare he?”
Plug that book, Deepak. Your publisher salutes you.
Something you’ll notice in a lot of evolution deniers is this insistence on attacking Darwin specifically, rather than modern evolutionary science in total, because one dead guy is a pretty easy target. However, the tactic ignores that modern evolutionary theory doesn’t have a whole lot to do with Darwin’s original thesis. Fundamentalists pull that ***because they base their beliefs on the infallible word of prophets, and therefore Darwin must be the evolutionist prophet rather than just a guy who showed people there was a new way of looking at taxonomy and inheritance. It’s very telling when a person claims to not deny evolution and then only focuses on the dead Santa beard guy.
Chopra makes a list of what he sees as the issues evolution must grapple with, and if you thought any one of them made sense, you are far too optimistic to follow this blog. Deepak weaves a web of *** like a artist paints with oils – he is truly in his element when he spouts nonsense. We won’t go through each one because that would be boring, and also we would like to go through our day with a minimum of aneurysms, but let’s just say that every one of his points could be answered with the simple question: “What does that even MEAN?” Not once does Chopra define his terms (consciousness, mind, thought structure, and other assorted gobbledigook) and he asserts as a given that there is something so super dooper special about human brains that he honestly claims that humans are no longer subject to evolution. Deepak apparently remembers a day when humans were suddenly rendered immune to disease and climate. Coming from a guy who doesn’t believe that HIV causes AIDs, we’re hardly surprised.
Chopra flogs his consciousness a bit more, still not defining it, still using it as a catch-all for whatever he wants, all the while claiming that he infuriates the scientists so because he dares to be an amateur who has trod upon their hallowed grounds of knowledge. Wait, amateur? Didn’t he say at the beginning that he works with geneticists and scientists all the time? Is this like when a producer slaps the “amateur” label on a Ron Jeremy film?
Fortunately a much smarter person than we has decided to take Chopra to task for his obscene woogasm. That person just so happens to be Steve Newton, the scientist from the original snark piece:
Not surprisingly, [Dr. Chopra’s] claims about the role of “consciousness” in evolution do not hold up to even cursory scrutiny. What Dr. Chopra seems to mean by his usage of “consciousness” is very broad and difficult to pin down. The word is used as if its meaning was plain, its implications undeniable, and its existence unchallengeable…. Indeed, the idea of a unique human “consciousness” echoes 19th century misunderstandings, both the debunked notion of vitalism and the vision of biology which placed human beings at the apex of a single ladder of progress. The idea of a supernatural “consciousness” directing evolution would find a home among advocates of intelligent design creationism, for whom the “intelligent designer” creates the “information” of biologic systems, with humans occupying a special, privileged status among other animals.
Oooh! Anthropocentrism slam! Chopra follows a very common huckster technique of playing to what his audience wants to hear. It pleases humans to hear that we are special, and Chopra plays into that by pretending that there is something so unique about human minds that we exist on a completely different plane from other living creatures. Deepak, c’mon. Even the Pope says pets go to heaven.
Newton continues on to pick apart Chopra’s ridiculous claim that human evolution isn’t a thing anymore, noting that things like adult tolerance of lactose are a very recent evolutionary development only possible through our use of technology (i.e. the raising of livestock). He even calls out Chopra for pulling his talking points straight out of Ken Ham’s “were you there?” playbook:
We don’t need to experiment directly on our 350 million-year-old ancestors to inform and advance modern evolutionary biology. Dr. Chopra’s assertion that evolution is somehow deficient because its claims cannot all be tested in the laboratory is a staple of creationist writings, and not one which scientists or philosophers of science who study the matter would endorse.
See this, Deepak? This is some quantum consciousness raising. Listen to some actual scientists talk about science. They went to school for this ***. A big Twitter following and the praise of Our Lady of Daytime do not a scientist make. Stick to what you know (scamming your way into our hippie uncle’s Amazon cart) and let the scientists stick to science.
Garuda.Chanti
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Game: FFXI
Posts: 11372
By Garuda.Chanti 2015-05-25 21:14:01
How Not To Counsel Your Daughters When They’ve Been Molested By Josh Duggar
Again please hit the original for amusing links.
Quote: t’s okay to feel sorry for Josh Duggar — we as liberals know teenage boys’ brains haven’t finished developing yet, which is why we don’t like sending them to the electric chair. Liberals also know we are molded by our circumstances: He was so young (assuming — assuming — his sexcrime spree has ended). Plus, he’s got those parents, and all that sexual dysfunction, and the bizarre patriarchal ***, and the constant lessons that Eve (even in the form of his preteen sisters, apparently) is there to tempt him from righteousness, I mean my god. We also know that nobody is all good or all bad, except *** Cheney.
But Josh Duggar’s “mistake” (molesting five girls, including four of his sisters) went on for a year … after his sisters told their father, Jim Bob Duggar, that Josh had been groping on their dirty pillows and their sin holes (THEIR VAGINAS) while they slept. A year. A year after they’d made it known that no, actually, they did not consent to any childish sexual experimenting, considering they went to their dad for help. So that seems less like “dumb ***-up repressed kid” and more like “predator.” I’d suggest he should have tried masturbating instead, but considering the values of his gross, terrible family, that’s probably an equal “sin.”
We aren’t going to go into the Duggar family’s vicious, fork-tongued hypocrisy regarding gay people or trans people — we’ve covered that already. We’re not going to go into Josh’s disgusting work for the hate group Family Research Council. We’re not going to go after Mike Huckabee for weeping his fat salty tears for Josh Duggar and the “good” Duggar family, while hissing that the Obamas are unfit because they let their daughters listen to Beyonce, the Nubian *** — we’ve already done that too. (We will take the time to link to @teachersabrina, though: “#Privilege is receiving the presumption of innocence, even after you’ve admitted you’re guilty.”)
What we are going to talk about is what the Duggars’ religion — their freaky-deaky, Stepford-meets-Taliban, patriarchal, Quiverfull, homeschooled, isolated, culty, HARMFUL AND DAMAGING religion — teaches them about their girl babies. Because what it teaches is Some ***, and it is Not Okay.
What we have below are teachings on “moral failures in a family” as captured for posterity by RecoveringGrace, which tracks abuse in the homeschooling fundamentalist community. Today’s lesson comes from Bill Gothard — who coincidentally has been accused of sexual abuse and harassment by more than 30 teenage girls, but don’t worry, the institute he founded cleared him of all charges. Gothard is the big sexy brain behind the “Advanced Training Institute,” which just happens to be the moral authority on how to homeschool your children that the Duggars follow. Do note that despite the similarities, the young man molesting his sisters in this “moral” lesson is not Josh Duggar, whose admitted crimes against his sisters and one of their friends occurred throughout 2002, while this worksheet has been around since the ’90s.
We already know (because Mama Duggar, Michelle, admitted it to the police) that in actuality Josh never had any counseling to help with his compulsions; instead he was sent away for a whole summer to live with some dude while doing home remodeling. What we don’t know is whether the girls were given any counseling; statements from Josh, his wife, Anna, and his parents don’t really focus on the girls, you know? In fact, the girls he molested aren’t actually mentioned at all! (The real victim, of course, is Josh.) HOWEVER! If the girls did get any kind of therapy (facts not in evidence), it’s a solid bet that the below was all the help they got on how to heal.
Let’s skip one through three and zoom in on number four: “Why Did God Let It Happen?” We have some options: Immodest dress! Indecent exposure! Being out from protection of our parents! EVIL FRIENDS! Oh wait, sorry, that was a question mark: evil friends?
Yes. Your evil friends caused your brother to molest you. Now that we know that Josh Duggar’s sisters were probably but not necessarily responsible for their own molestation, let’s see if there could possibly be times when they weren’t to blame:
“If abused was not at fault.” HALLELUJAH it is possible you did not molest yourselves, Duggar girl babies! Praise the lord and pass the holy bathing suit!
RecoveringGrace has ever so much more, and all of it is terrible. A boy (who, again, was not Josh Duggar) molested his sisters, and Gothard’s takeaway was that boys should not change their sisters’ diapers and that his toddler sisters caused their own molestation by wearing towels out of the bath. The boy concurs: if the girls had been modest, and his parents hadn’t made him babysit, he probably would not have abused his sisters sexually. Also to blame are porn and (atypically!) a lack of sex ed from his parents. Also ALSO to blame are laziness and back-talk and teenage sulks — so, parents, your teen is doubtless sexually assaulting the whole neighborhood RIGHT NOW. Sorry :(
Do avail yourself of the opportunity to read the whole thing. These are the people being held up as moral exemplars by half our nation.
http://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/moral-failures-1.jpg
http://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/moral-failures-2.jpg
http://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/moral-failures-3.jpg
http://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/moral-failures-4.jpg
Women — girls, toddlers, diapered babies, whatever — have swept him from the path of righteousness. What could a boy do but avail himself of their lithe preteen bodies? And his sister didn’t even cry out to God to save her? Whatever, ***.
Older lessons from Gothard and his Advanced Training Institute explain quite readily that a girl is almost always to blame for her own rape; in one Old Testament case, Dinah does not listen to her father, Jacob, and gets raped. In another, Tamar does listen to her father, King David, and gets raped. *** if you do and *** if you don’t, probably should have done whatever third thing is the opposite of both those other two things, and also, I think I might have seen your ankle, please come get your raping.
But what if you’re not a girl being raped or sexually assaulted by a member of your family — a member of your family who, if he’s your dad, is also GOD’S REPRESENTATIVE ON EARTH — but are instead a grown woman married to a man (who therefore is GOD’S REPRESENTATIVE ON EARTH) and he is beating the ***out of you? What should you do, grown lady?
Oh, “there is no victim if we understand we are called to suffer for righteousness”?
In conclusion, I am sorry, Duggar girls, that you have been reared in a fundamentalist culture that considers you to blame for a man’s actions; that he is the victim and you must affirm your love for him like so …
Sufficient to such a man is this punishment, which was inflicted of many. 7 So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow. 8 Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him.
… and he is your brother, and maybe you DO love and forgive him (you’re allowed!) but you also have been coerced into loving and forgiving him because your cult would have thrown you into the terrifying World where rapes are around every corner, but those are non-family rapes, so they are scary; and you are not allowed to go to college, or anywhere else, because you will become damaged goods (immodest and impure) and only your brother is allowed to do that to you; and everything is terrible. I am sorry, Duggar girls. Also, that your parents and brother are such pieces of ***.
Ragnarok.Sekundes
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Game: FFXI
Posts: 4189
By Ragnarok.Sekundes 2015-05-25 21:18:20
For anyone who wants some random crap that makes about as much sense as the man himself:
http://www.wisdomofchopra.com/
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By fonewear 2015-05-28 16:53:37
Title misleading not a feminist porn site...but it should be !
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Leviathan.Chaosx
Serveur: Leviathan
Game: FFXI
Posts: 20284
By Leviathan.Chaosx 2015-05-28 17:00:11
Title misleading not a feminist porn site...but it should be ! Feminist porn, now there's a scary site.
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Garuda.Chanti
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Game: FFXI
Posts: 11372
By Garuda.Chanti 2015-05-29 10:13:24
Title misleading not a feminist porn site...but it should be ! Feminist porn, now there's a scary site. There actually IS feminist porn.
No, I haven't watched any but I read an article about a feminist porn studio.
[+]
Serveur: Asura
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Posts: 34187
By Asura.Kingnobody 2015-05-29 10:14:58
Does it involve whips and chains and leather outfits?
Garuda.Chanti
Serveur: Garuda
Game: FFXI
Posts: 11372
By Garuda.Chanti 2015-06-07 18:04:41
Does it involve whips and chains and leather outfits? I have no idea but if it does I can sew and braid costumes and props.
Garuda.Chanti
Serveur: Garuda
Game: FFXI
Posts: 11372
By Garuda.Chanti 2015-06-07 18:36:37
Wonkette takes on Florida:
Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup
Quote: Greetings, Wonketeers, from America’s Sam’s Cola, a state so strange and wondrous that all kinds of people are just dying to move here, and then some of them die here, because they are old. One of our newest denizens is a man named Adam Horine, but for some strange reason he did not actually want to come here at all:
In a rambling, sometimes confusing dialogue with the judge, Horine, 31, his voice cracking, said he loved Kentucky, but “they are trying to force me out.”
Horine was absolutely right. Just hours later, he’d be embarking — alone — on a 900-mile, one-way bus trip to Florida, courtesy of the Carrollton [Ky.] Police Department.
“I should be in the hospital,” Horine pleaded with the judge during the hearing. “I have mental illness, and I say things I shouldn’t say. But I would never hurt anybody. I never have.”
[District Judge Elizabeth] Chandler responded that Horine looked sick, according to a video of the hearing obtained by the Kentucky Center for Investigative Reporting. And she questioned his competence to enter a plea to misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct and making verbal threats.
Horine had been arrested for and pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct and verbal threat-making charges, and the judge ordered that he receive a psychiatric evaluation. But then them there Kentucky coppers decided, eh, *** this guy, send him to Florida.
Within hours, a social worker’s preliminary evaluation at the Carroll County jail determined Horine was hearing voices, felt suicidal, was not sleeping, had no medication and wanted to hurt “certain people.”
The next step was Eastern State, where Horine could receive the treatment the social worker and the judge thought he urgently needed.
But Carrollton police had a very different plan for Horine. They wanted him out of town and out of the state. They wanted to rid themselves of this tormented petty criminal. They wanted to make him someone else’s problem.
The put him on a Greyhound and shipped him to Florida’s West Coast, where they assumed he would fit right in with all the voices-hearing, flakka-taking miscreants this state seems to cough up on the reg. After all this became public, the nice Kentucky prosecutor charged Horine with escaping, and got a warrant that brought him back to the land of dumb and bourbon.
How We Pick Up Chicks
For all the *** Florida takes (and insanity it produces), it does have its redeeming qualities. Among them, stunningly beautiful Florida women (like my wife! Happy birthday, Mrs. Florida Correspondent!). But Florida men, being Florida men, often struggle to communicate with them effectively. (You just TRY Tinder-ing here. You’ll wind up in a *** dungeon.) Florida Man Eduardo Garcia has found a novel means of overcoming this particular difficulty:
Eduardo Raoul Garcia, 44, was camping in his tent at Lake Griffin State Park Wednesday night when he called 911 to report a harassing phone call he received, police said. While on the phone he told the female dispatcher he had big muscles and asked if she was single, an arrest affidavit said. The dispatcher told Garcia, of St. Augustine, he sounded like he had been drinking and he hung up.
Like any good, jilted Florida man, he was not about to give up.
Police said Garcia called back twice and asked if the dispatcher was single. Fruitland Park Police Department traced the call to Lake Griffin State Park and asked park officials if they had seen anyone who was intoxicated.The park ranger told police they did have a man who checked in that afternoon who looked confused and was easily angered.
Police went to the man’s campsite and found Garcia.
Say this for Florida man. He is easily identifiable.
I Said No Cellphones
There are, of course, good people in Florida, people who for all the state’s intrinsic sadness are trying to make things better. Dean Liptak, a high school science teacher in Pasco County, is one such person. He wants to make his students S-M-R-T, and he knows the only way to do that is to keep them off their goddamn iPhones. And so Liptak, being a science teacher who has not yet committed his undervalued talents to making beautiful blue meth, developed a genius strategy for getting the little shits to pay attention:
A Florida science teacher has been suspended for running a signal jammer to prevent his students from using their cellphones in class.
The problem, of course, is that jamming cell phone signals may interfere with, say, a 911 call. Also, it is against federal law. Oops.
All the same, we’re not so sure Liptak should have been suspended — unpaid, NO FAIR — for five days so much as he should have been summarily declared Teacher of the Year. In Florida, however, we save that honor for teachers who go all-in on sex ed.
Oh, Here’s The Florida We Know and Hate
Bryan Goodson, a student at the Jesus-y Providence High School near Jacksonville — the city that progress forgot — did a very brave thing, given the circumstances. He came out as gay, on Twitter. The school reacted about how you’d expect from a Florida institution that models what it calls “Christ-likeness.” It told Goodson to take a hike, because eww, gay.
A local high school student said his Christian school is discriminating against him because he’s gay, and he’s taken to an online petition to fight back. […] The petition reads, “Shortly after I came out as gay on Twitter, I was contacted by a teacher and was told that the Providence School Board decided it would be unwise for me to attend the Pony Awards (the awards ceremony for our school musical, Little Women).” The petition has a goal of 1,000 signatures and as of Thursday had more than 400 signatures.
Denying a young gay access to awards for a school musical: Cruel.
The school told a TV station, “We hold the state of marriage to be an expression of a Biblical standard and the union between a man and a woman.”
Goodson is no longer enrolled, and we imagine that’s for the best.
Fine, We Can Talk About George Zimmerman Now
As we suspected, ole’ Georgie, the quintessential Florida man, may get some hot turnabout-is-fair-play action. You’ll recall, no doubt, that another Florida gun nut named Matthew Apperson recently fired a shot at Zimmy’s SUV, and was arrested for it because Zimmy is not a young black male walking through a neighborhood where he didn’t belong. Now, Apperson is the one claiming he Stood His Ground, which in Florida allows you to shoot unarmed black children with impunity, so why not some fat-***’s SUV?
Over to you, Dok:
Following Apperson’s bond hearing Friday, his attorney, Michael Lafay, told a reporter “That’s a good look into the future,” when asked about the possibility of a self-defense claim. “And, of course, as you know, Mr. Zimmerman is no stranger to a ‘stand your ground’ situation.”
A spokesperson for the Gods Of Irony said they were veering between riotous laughter and sighing at the predictability of it all.
Speaking of baring arms — see what we did there? — a junior at a Fort Myers high school has been stripped of her National Honor Society position because she is a *** did not attire herself appropriately. As we Wonksplained at you:
Cameron Boland, a super achiever who’s president of her class and involved in nine million activities, was running unopposed for a post as NHS “Historian” for her county — basically, the job involves doing social media, sending press releases, and the like. On May 1, she attended a district NHS meeting to give her campaign speech at another school in the district. She and a friend decided to dress up a bit in fairly modest sundresses. After all the students had given their speeches, she and the other girl were informed by the NHS advisors that their positions had been revoked because of their horrifying bare shoulders, in Florida, which supposedly violated NHS’s dress code. She had a jacket with her, which she offered to put on so she could apologize and give her speech again, but no, miscreants who can’t be bothered to abide by the rules don’t get do-overs.
This is why we can’t have nice things, Florida. Well, that and Rick Scott.
Garuda.Chanti
Serveur: Garuda
Game: FFXI
Posts: 11372
By Garuda.Chanti 2015-06-07 18:47:33
Why I <3 this site.
They make the pathetic laughable.
The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection
Quote: Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side effects may include lightened wallets, overdraft notices, and some nasty junk in that trunk. So tuck in, pull out your credit cards, and get ready for the best that $3.99 a minute can offer! Let’s get started.
Church lady figures out best line to scam friend: “It’s God’s Will”
First on our agenda, we have a case just begging for some divine intervention: a Pennsylvania woman has been arrested after scamming a fellow church parishioner out of close to $300,000 by claiming that visions from GOD ALMIGHTY told her to do it. Funny, usually people don’t get those visions until after they found their own Christian teevee network.
Judith Ann Irvin is a resident of Turtle Creek, PA, and a member of the Greater Works Church. She met and befriended fellow church goer Kathy Sanford, an elderly victim of a post-concussion injury that left her with an addled mind and poor judgment. Right around this same time, Irvin began to have financial trouble and realized that her new friend was the perfect meal ticket savior for her troubles.
COMPLETELY BY COINCIDENCE, Irvin began to have prophetic visions in her sleep, visions which told her that Kathy Sanford was chosen by God Himself to save the lost unwashed masses of the world from destitution. And wouldn’t you know it? The Lord Almighty wanted her to start with Judy Irvin because why not? Who are you to question God? Exactly.
Over the span of several years, Irvin convinced Sanford to pay her rent, utilities, and car repair bills. Then, just like Jesus feeding the masses with only five loaves and a couple of Phish albums, Irvin realized what would truly help the poor of the world: some Louis Vuitton bags and a diamond ring! Gotta accessorize for salvation.
All in all, Irvin conned Sanford out of $281,928. We’re honestly amazed she didn’t escalate to a $65 million dollar jet, which by the way Creflo Dollar is totally getting now because the Devil can’t stop him. Victory for Jesus all around!
Psychic hops on the scam train like it’s getting rode out of town
In a related story of an emotional vampire leeching off a prime piece of victim, we have the case of Pricilla Delmaro. Delmaro, who went by Cristina Alvarez, was arrested Tuesday for scamming a distraught Brooklyn man out of over $700,000 in a classic case of New York one-upsmanship.
Delmaro first met her victim when he was having troubles with his girlfriend, and told him that their relationship was haunted by evil spirits. But when the victim’s girlfriend suddenly died, Delmaro saw dollar signs a-poppin’. She immediately swooped in and convinced the man that his lover had been killed by the same evil spirits that had tormented their relationship, and that the only way to keep the spirits at bay was to pay her in jewelry. Mr. Babadook hates when he goes to Jared.
“Alvarez” convinced her distraught patsy that not only would the demons continue to torment him if he didn’t pay her mega dollars for cleansing rituals, but that the demons would kill his other loved ones too if he didn’t pay up, because *** hell this woman is awful. What makes this story especially sad is that her victim was so traumatized by his girlfriend’s death and subsequent financial abuse by this human leech that he didn’t even realize he was being scammed until he hired private investigator Bob Nygaard to prove it. Nygaard knew “Alvarez’s” husband, Bobby Evans, from a previous case of swindling down in Florida, but by the time he came to his client with the information, the couple had booked it with $713,975 in the bag.
Yet in perhaps a beautiful piece of poetic justice, Delmaro and Evans were eventually tracked down by police because the pair were dumb enough to order a luxurious dinner not far away at a 6th Avenue steakhouse, we like to imagine surrounded by piles of money and sporting brand new monocles to boot. Police charged Delmaro and Evans with second degree grand larceny and held them on $250,000 bail. Here’s to the happy couple: You really have to admire them for being the absolute worst humanity has to offer. Mazel tov!
Woman dies from hot butt injection, headline writers giddy
Take a seat, because last on our round-up of scam artists from down below, we have a weirdass story that is getting all the more common on the back-end of internet news. A New York “doctor” is being hunted down by police after she administered a hot silicone injection directly into her patient’s butt, upon which the victim suddenly began choking and eventually died. We would ask you to contain your laughter because this story is just that shitty.
Kelly Mayhew was a Maryland woman who wanted to give her already bangin’ curves a little boost, so she booked an appointment for a disturbingly common procedure in this, the Age of Beyoncé and Kim, Our Ladies of Perpetual Booty. She and her mother drove up to NYC to meet with a woman claiming to be a board-certified doctor, though perhaps their first sign things weren’t on the up-and-up was that the woman asked them to meet her in a basement in Queens. You can find some wicked Broadway after-parties in a basement in Queens, but few doctors’ offices.
Mayhew’s mother reports that almost immediately after the quack injected her daughter’s butt with a hypodermic full of what she claimed was silicone, Kelly began to choke and gurgle. When her mother begged the doctor for help, the con artist packed up her things and dashed out of the basement, leaving Mayhew’s mom to call the EMT herself and try to give her dying daughter CPR until they arrived. Mayhew was pronounced dead at the hospital not long after.
Police are still hunting for Mayhew’s killer, but her story is a weirdly uncommon one. Pumping parties are becoming the new Botox parties (oh yeah, those are still a thing too, so don’t think you’re better than this crap, white people), wherein a group of ladies get together with some raggedy quack who shoves God only knows what kind of junk into their butts to give them a lumpier appearance. But as Huffpo reports, more and more women are actually dying from this ***, because that’s what happens when someone injects your body with super glue, tire-inflator, and rubber cement.
People, look, your derriere is a beautiful thing made by God Almighty himself. It doesn’t need any more boost than what nature gave it already. Of course, we’ve been telling that to the bleach and coffee enema people for years now, and have they returned our calls? Nooooo.
Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum
Good news, Crazies of America! Are you running dangerously low on tinfoil and vinegar spray to counteract all the CHEMTRAILS!!!9/11 that are filling the air around you? Then might we recommend you all self-segregate to the lovely city of Richmond, California, whose town council passed a resolution banning the villainous geoengineering of our skies. Be prepared to rot your teeth away when next they ban fluoride in the water! Hurray!
A lady scientist told another lady scientist that the best way to be a lady scientist is to be cool with gross dude scientists looking down your blouse because that just comes with the territory, toots. Now go fetch us some coffee like a good girl and jiggle those hips while you walk away.
Rick Santorum (nee Buttjizzum) barked some things about the Pope being wrong about science that Ricky is actually wrong about. We’re pretty sure Galileo was put under house arrest for a lesser offense so we can only hope Rick will be facing a visit from a certain Spanish Inquisition when he least expects it.
Golly gee willikers, mister! Our favorite dumb-dumb homeschool dumb mom Megan Fox (not that one) is back to do more dumb at our faces! This week she visited a real place of learnding (sic) the Creation “Science” Museum! Follow your Wonkette as we break-down the slow deterioration of her brain as it devolves into a puddle of primordial goo before big banging all over the floor. For Jesus!
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-06-11 15:50:20
Wonkette's take on Ken Ham's take on Miley Cyrus:
Creation Museum Guy: If Miley Cyrus Is So Gay, She Should Do Sex To Barnyard Animals
Quote: Miley Cyrus is in the news this week, gettin’ all nekkid and having her picture made for Paper magazine, and the accompanying interview is actually quite cool, unless you are Ken Ham from Answers In Genesis, that creationist fool who runs the big fake Bible science Creation Museum in Kentucky. Ham decided to write a bloggy post about Ms. Cyrus’s naked body, and how her revelation that she is “gender fluid” means she ought to just go ahead and *** animals. Frankly, we’re a little worried Ham has been mainlining too much myrrh. Here is what Cyrus said:
Quote: Sexually, Cyrus said she is “down with” anything. She views her sexuality and even her gender identity as fluid. “I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn’t involve an animal and everyone is of age. Everything that’s legal, I’m down with. Yo, I’m down with any adult—anyone over the age of 18 who is down to love me,” she said. “I don’t relate to being boy or girl, and I don’t have to have my partner relate to boy or girl.” But, Ham asked, “Why not involve an animal?” Yeah, why not? It’s probably going to evolve into a fully formed human by the time she’s done *** it anyway, that’s what godless liberals believe, right?
But wait, OHHHHH, we see what he is doing. Ken Ham thinks he is very S-M-R-T, and this is one of his clever creationist “gotcha” questions, similar to most of the things he said when he lost that debate to Bill Nye The Science Guy. Ham believes the ONLY THING stopping people from diddling piglets and children is God (worked great for that Duggar boy), and Cyrus clearly hates Jesus, so yeah, Miley, why don’t you have a threesome with a billygoat and a wombat if you’re so cool:
Quote: Besides, if there’s no God and she’s just a result of evolution, then she is merely an animal anyway. And those she interacts with sexually are just animals—so why not any animals? In other words, she has decided to draw a line for some reason—but what reason? It’s actually because in her heart she knows God exists (Romans 1), she knows she is different from the animals as she is made in God’s image (Genesis 1)—and she has a conscience (as seared as it is because of her sinful rebellion) because the law is written on our hearts (Romans 2).
Question for her: Why only those over the age of 18? On what basis did she decide that? If there’s no God, why have any age restriction? On what basis would she argue against pedophilia? Why not do whatever anyone wants to do? Of course, the answer is *** simple and one word long: CONSENT. Because there are people out there who want to do gross things to woodland creatures and kiddies, but the reason all sane people believe those things should be against the law is because they cannot CONSENT. That is why, it is not because of Jesus, STFU, Ken Ham.
The only reason Ham got mad enough at Cyrus to notice her Paper spread is that he apparently has a Google alert set for “Noah’s Ark,” because he’s building a “replica” of that big boat what never existed, and Mean Hannah Montana made fun of it and people who think it was real: “Those people [shouldn’t] get to make our laws … That’s *** insane. We’ve outgrown that fairy tale, like we’ve outgrown *** Santa and the tooth fairy.” And that, Ken Ham, is what Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball feels like, when it hits you on your ***.
So there you have it. Miley Cyrus made fun of Noah’s Ark, therefore she hates Jesus so much, therefore she should Bone Zone all the zoo animals. It’s in the Bible.
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-06-18 18:24:50
A good day at the Wonkette!
Dr. King’s Most Embarrassing Niece Knows Charleston Shooting Happened Because Abortion
Quote: White dude walks into a black church, shoots and kills nine congregants, the Department of Justice calls it a hate crime — but you know what’s really behind this tragedy? Let’s check in with “pro-life” conservative activist and Fox News contributor Alveda King, niece of Martin Luther King — yes, the Dr. King. She’s also a star on the wingnut circuit because she’ll happily tell those wingnuts exactly what they want to hear about how racism is dead and Obama is evil, and her uncle would tell you that if he were here today, yes he would.
So because Fox was eager to find all the experts it could to assure us that this hate crime is NOT about race, or at least it’s mostly not about race, here’s Alveda King to give them exactly what they want to hear:
Quote: This is not just a racial hate crime. The motivation is insanity, it’s rage. Race can be behind it, I’m not going to deny that. […]
This disturbed young man — I understand he’s caucasian, and he shot black people, and that’s not good — but evil is not just limited to color.
It’s a lack of value for human life. You know, I’m going to say that as a director of outreach for African Americans of Priests for Life, you kill babies in the womb, kill people in their beds, shoot people on the streets so now you go into the church when people are praying. This, from a prominent voice for the very same movement that regularly terrorizes doctors and their patients. And sometimes even kills them dead. In their church. If only we’d stop murdering unborned babies in the womb, no one would ever commit an act of violence again, right?
While the rest of the media has been focusing on alleged suspect Dylann Storm Roof’s possibly racist motivations — including his words, according to one survivor, that he was there to kill black people and take “his” country back from them — that’s some kind of red herring. Let’s not get distracted, m’kay? The Justice Department really ought to be focusing on abortion and how if we’d just stop letting women have medical procedures, this sort of thing wouldn’t happen anymore.
Or, alternately, King and others like her who are so desperate to explain why an apparently racist hate crime isn’t about race, it’s about the unborned babies, can *** all the way off. With a rusty coat hanger.
By fonewear 2015-06-18 18:44:20
I can accept abortion but saying the Tea Party/Republican white supremacy are responsible for the deaths is a bit much !
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-06-18 19:08:23
Darnit, I thought I had posted this.
Fox News: Gun-Free Zones Committed That Hate Crime In Charleston
Quote: That was fast! It only took a few hours for Fox to toss up an editorial explaining that the best explanation of why six women and three men were shot to death in their church Wednesday night is that nobody in the church was packing heat like they should have been.
Professional gunhumper and FoxNews.com columnist John R. Lott explains:
Quote: The horrible tragedy last night that left nine people dead at the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, S.C., probably could have been avoided. Like so many other attacks, the massacre took place in a gun-free zone, a place where the general public was banned from having guns. The gun-free zone obviously didn’t stop the killer from bringing a gun into the church. It has the look of a ready-made editorial that, like a prewritten obituary for an aging celebrity, was just waiting for the next mass shooting — because in U.S. America, there’s always a “next mass shooting” on the way. The Charleston massacre is mentioned only in the first and last paragraphs, and the rest is boilerplate about how Bad Guys always choose “soft targets” where they know no one will be shooting back at them. There’s not a single word about the fact that it was allegedly a white racist murdering people in a black church. If the shooting had taken place at a school or a mall, everything else in the editorial would be identical, explaining that until it’s legal for everyone to carry a gun everywhere, we can look forward to more mass killings, and also the liberal media never covers the brave heroes with concealed weapons who do stop mass shootings all the time. (Since he could only find a few examples, he had to link to the same incident in at least two different spots in the editorial.)
Oh, but that last paragraph is a doozy:
Quote: Churches, like the one in Charleston, preach peace, but the killer there probably chose that target because he knew the victims were defenseless. As Jesus said, “But I tell you, you must resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, blow them away with your concealed Glock.” Because we need guns in church. What could go wrong?
And let’s just review South Carolina’s actual handgun laws, courtesy of Ben Cohen at the Daily Banter:
Quote: There is a reason gun massacres do not occur on a regular basis in other industrialized countries around the world, and it is because you can’t buy guns at the local store in every town, and don’t have a right to own military grade weapons in your house. In South Carolina, you don’t need a permit to cary [sic] long guns or hand guns, don’t need to register your firearm, and don’t have any restrictions on magazine capacity. In fact, there aren’t actually any specified age restrictions for purchasing a gun, and the law permits non-residents to buy rifles or shotguns in the state. So South Carolina is a pretty gun-friendly place. How gun friendly? This morning’s edition of the Charleston Post and Courier went out with a discount coupon for a shooting range right above the headline about the massacre:
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-07-04 10:40:26
HELP WANTED: Tennessee County Clerk’s Office Seeks Non-Bigot Applicants For All Positions
Quote: GAY MARRIAGE CREATES JOBS, thanks, Obama! Positions have recently opened up in the clerk’s office in Decatur County, Tennessee. Three former employees, including County Clerk Gwen Pope, recently vacated the premises upon discovering that the entire world had come crashing down upon them, rendering them unable to perform their daily tasks, which consist of paperwork, gossiping with the sheriff about them varmints what got caught over near Bible Hill up to no good, and issuing the occasional marriage license. However, nine unelected black-robed lawyers, none of them from around here, obviously, have decided to overturn the Sincerely Held Desire To Discriminate Religious Beliefs of true God-fearing Jesus-Americans, setting up a situation where Lloyd who is kind of “funny” can march up into the office and demand to marry one of his “friends.”
Former County Clerk Pope and her office buddies Sharon Bell and Mickey Butler simply could not cotton to this sort of behavior, so they up and quit. And good on ’em for doing so, as three *** sitting in a small town county clerk’s office refusing to do their jobs as some sort of homage to Bigot Jesus would get real tedious, real fast.
As such, the qualifications for the jobs are as follows:
1. Must be able to file simple paperwork without fearing eternal damnation.
2. Must be able to file simple paperwork, in general.
3. Must be equipped to carry out full homosexual agenda in a timely manner.
4. Total top, prefer masc … Oh whoops, Decatur County was accidentally filling out its Grindr profile instead of this job posting for a second, hoo boy that was A Accident! (But seriously, call us, it’s legal now!)
5. Must be willing to feed Bacon Bits, the cat what lives in the clerk’s office. She just showed up one day and never left.
We look forward to meeting you, and Happy Pride from Decatur County!
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-07-04 10:47:22
California ‘Kill The Gays’ Lawyer Figures Amending Constitution Should Let Him Kill The Gays
Quote: You might remember the sexciting story (which Wonkette broke, MUST CREDIT WONKET!) of weird incognito lawyer Matt McLaughlin and his quest to get an initiative called the “Sodomite Suppression Act” on the California ballot. The initiative had the serious mission of ridding California of its troublesome sodomites, because Bible says so, and called for all homosexxicans to be “put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method.” Unfortunately for McLaughlin, California Attorney General Kamala Harris is not A Idiot, so she filed an action to have the initiative tossed seeing as how it was “patently unconstitutional, utterly reprehensible, and has no place in a civil society.” McLaughlin, undaunted, figured that’s just, like, your opinion, man, so he came back for another try, this time framing the initiative as an amendment to the California Constitution with the catchy and totally different title, “The Sodomite Suppression Mandate.” And wouldn’t you know it, Harris’s office summarily dismissed that one too.
Matt McLaughlin, who is definitely a real Christian lawyer with his own website and everything, is not going to just sit back and let this tyranny stand, because he has rights as a citizen. In a phone interview with the Sacramento Bee, he explained that while he hadn’t defended his first initiative when Harris deep-sixed it, he was pretty sure she would have to allow the second version to go forward to the signature-gathering phase, since it was a constitutional amendment. He also explained that there’s nothing unconstitutional about his proposal, not at all:
Quote: “What I’m proposing is not murder,” McLaughlin said in a telephone interview with The Sacramento Bee. “I’m proposing the laws as they’ve ever been. The Bible doesn’t change.” We’ll just assume that the Bee reporter just smiled and made sure he was taking careful notes.
Quote: McLaughlin said that for centuries, homosexuality was a crime, often punishable by death, but as gays and lesbians won legal and political battles for their rights, “I feel mine were attacked. I’m a Bible believer.” Christian supporters of gay rights have noted that Jesus never spoke about homosexuality. Wednesday, Harris’s office sent McLaughlin a letter explaining that, no, dear, you can’t propose a state constitutional amendment to murder people either, no matter what the Bible says, and also generously refunded his $200 filing fee. The proposed amendment was apparently pretty much the same as the earlier initiative, including the bit about executing gays & lesbians via “bullets to the head or by any other convenient method.” Matt, maybe you should have given inconvenient methods a try, seeing as how that’s how the death penalty really works anyway.
McLaughlin told the Bee that he was being backed into a corner, which is where no one puts Baby:
Quote: “I don’t know what I should do at this point,” he said. “It’s wrong what’s she’s doing. She’s putting the onus on me to file a lawsuit.” That ought to be worth keeping an eye out for. And who knows, maybe he’ll be able to get Harris removed from the decision-making process on his grand idea, seeing as how at a Pride event last week, Harris held up his proposal as proof that even after the Supreme Court legalized sodomite marriage, there are still people who Don’t Get It:
Quote: Speaking off the cuff, she dismissed McLaughlin as an “idiot.”
Harris later clarified that it was “just the feeling I had at that moment that I obviously could not suppress.”
She added: “Anyone who will take up their own time, or anyone else’s time, advocating for murder of innocent people in a way that is so fueled by bigotry and hate is someone whose intelligence we should question.” Now, if that clear prejudice against a smart Christian lawyer with his own website and everything doesn’t prove that Harris is too biased to do her job and approve McLaughlin’s clearly legal ballot initiatives, we don’t know what is. And on that website, McLaughlin explains just how completely illegal Harris’s actions are, complaining that Harris “wants to pretend that she doesn’t even have to consider the brand new initiative I filed” and that she is utterly wrong to apply the previous ruling against the “Sodomite Suppression Act” to the completely different (except for the parts that are identical) “Sodomite Suppression Mandate”:
Quote: Of course, that is blatantly dishonest. The first initiative only sought to change the Penal Code, but the second one seeks to amend the state’s constitution – that makes them radically different proposals. McLaughlin has sent a fax to Harris warning her that she has until July 7 to accept it, or… something.
Come see the violence inherent in the system!
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-07-30 15:19:54
Bryan Fischer To Save America From Satan Statues With Special Jesus Constitution
Quote: The merry Establishment Clause tricksters of the Satanic Temple held a big unveiling of their 1-ton statue of Baphomet over the weekend. Because they’re still waiting on a permit to place it next to the Ten Commandments monument at Oklahoma’s Capitol building — a monument that may be coming down anyway — the unveiling was held at the Satanic Temple’s chapter in Detroit. Not surprisingly, American Family Association radio guy Bryan Fischer is plenty angry about it, and would like you all to know that if we followed the REAL Constitution of the United States, none of this would be allowed, because the Founders only meant the First Amendment to apply to Christians.
Writing at Bradlee Dean’s Web Aggregation Of Stuff That’s Too Stupid For WND, Fischer describes the unholy spectacle, which he read about on Fox’s website:
Quote: Seven hundred worshippers of the prince of darkness gathered Saturday night in Detroit to unveil a 9-foot, 2000-pound bronze statue of Satan. “Dark punk” bands played on stage underneath a lighted, upside-down crucifix. Sure, it was actually a cross, without the Jesus Action figure, but whatevs. Fischer is pretty darned outraged by the whole thing, even if, to judge from the pics from the unveiling party, most of the Satanic bacchanal looked an awful like a Rocky Horror Picture Show screening. And he’s even more upset by the Temple’s plan to place it next to a state-sanctioned Ten Commandments statue — if not in Oklahoma, then maybe in Arkansas. And he is hopping mad about the spurious reasoning at work here:
Quote: Their argument is quite simple: the First Amendment guarantees freedom of religion, so if you allow a Christian symbol, you must allow a satanic one, on the grounds of fairness and multiculturalism and diversity and all.
Acolytes will unveil more and more of these statues, and aim to put them on government grounds and in government buildings. If this process is not stopped, Satan-worship will be enshrined in the halls of government from sea to shining sea. Now, as the Satanic Temple is eager to point out — after all, it’s their whole reason for existing — one really easy way to prevent that would be to not put up any official shrines to religion in the first place. No Ten Commandments, no demand for an equal-time Baphomet.
But Fischer has a better idea: enforce the real Constitution, which, as he’s said several times before, only applies to Christians. (In previous efforts to make this point, Fischer’s argued that since the Constitution uses the “A.D.” dating system, it recognizes the birth of Jesus as the starting point of time.)
This time out, Fischer doesn’t really add anything new, but he has some lovely substitutions for logic, like this:
Quote: The Constitution is like the Bible. It either means what its authors intended it to mean, or it can mean anything the fevered imaginations of activist judges can dream up.
Judges routinely undermine the plain meaning of the Constitution and use linguistic sleight of hand to conceal their subterfuge.
To Fischer, it’s obvious that when the Constitution speaks of “religion,” it only means Christianity, because it just does, shut up:
Quote: When the Founders used the word “religion,” they were referring to the various denominations of Christianity. The population of the United States at the time of the founding was 99.8% Christian and 0.2% Jewish. There were simply no other religious traditions for the Founders even to deal with […]
The Founders did not either “countenance” or “advance” religious alternatives to Christianity in the First Amendment. They were not even considering Islam or Judaism or Buddhism or Hinduism or atheism. They were dealing exclusively with Christianity and its various denominations.
Strangely, though, he’s perfectly comfortable insisting that the Second Amendment gives people the right to own any weapons they want, with no regulation whatsoever, despite the fact that the only arms the Founders had were muzzle-loaded rifles and flintlocks. That’s different, obviously.
Fischer also doesn’t think much of the Fourteenth Amendment, either, since he insists that the First Amendment only prevents Congress from choosing one sect of Christianity, while it gives states the freedom to regulate religion however they want. Which is why he also thinks it would be perfectly legal to ban the construction of mosques. And therefore, states are under no obligation to allow any darn Devil statues, and they can also stop pretending that their Ten Commandments statues are “historical monuments” to the foundation of our laws.
Bryan Fischer lives in a very interesting version of America, but we’re pretty sure we wouldn’t want to visit it.
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By Ragnarok.Nhu 2015-08-05 11:25:55
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By Fenrir.Moldtech 2015-08-05 11:43:01
WTF! Who dares attack our beloved Cerberus! D:
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-08-07 20:50:02
Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President
The original has pics of the candidates which I shan't copy as none are terminally embarrassing. All comments in ()s are mine.
Quote: So there is a presidential election thingy, and it is a mere 15 months away, which means we all get to spend the next year(ish) talking all the words about it, hooray! We get to squint at a trillion polls, and read 10 trillion pixelated Hot Takes, and listen to eleventeen trillion “thoughts” sharted from the derp holes of television fat heads, hooray even more! We even get to spend 31 hours a day debating who gave the Koch brothers the best head, who is maybe heading to prison, who wore it best, who’s up, who’s down, and who the *** is that on the debate stage? (Oh, it’s Jim Gilmore. Wait, who? Some guy, don’t worry about it.)
Here’s a handy dandy tip from Yr Wonkette, the best political ***-joke telling analysts on the interwebs: Everyone’s wrong. Probably. Or not? Who can say?! A lot can happen in 15 months, and besides, we might all be dead by then anyway, from global warming or maybe from getting eated up by the Racist Pervert Sex Dragon Thing.
But whatEVER, let’s make some predictions anyway, because the Republicans had themselves some debates Thursday night, and everybody’s doing it right now, and WTF FOMO YOLO why not? So here is your Wonksplainer of why none of these *** are going to be president, maybe probably, but don’t quote us on that, just in case we’re wrong.
Jeb Bush
Jeb! has already demonstrated that yes, he really is as dumb as his brother, and besides, we told you the other day, he already lost the election 15 months ahead of schedule, by not just stepping on his own ***, but wedging it into a vise and hiring some body builders to tighten it extra super tight for him. He is not even as good at this as Mitt frickin’ Romney, people! Who wasn’t good enough to win. Might as well quit now, Jeb, and take your wife shoe shopping or something.
Chris Christie
Nobody likes Chris Christie. Like, no one. The voters in his own state of New Jersey can’t stand him, and describing how he does sex to his wife, with *** pills, certainly won’t endear him to Republicans who all secretly use *** pills too, but sure as heck don’t want to admit it, fercrissake!
Ben Carson
Sure, Republicans are real proud of themselves because there’s a black guy on the stage. The analysts on Fox were all, “Ooh, we like how he talks about race,” because of how he doesn’t talk about it, except to say that when he used to slice into people’s brains, he didn’t see race, just nice white people brains is all. However, we are pretty sure he musta falled down on his head sometime since his neurosurgeoning days, because he struggles hard to put the words together into sentences that sound like actual thoughts, and says dumb things like why can’t Israel just be America? Even if he were to be the nominee, we think it’s likely the Democratic nominee, whoever it is, even if it’s Lincoln Chafee, will chew up Dr. Carson and spit him out like rotten blackmarket fetal tissue.
Scott Walker
Really? This guy? No.
(They could have done MUCH better here IMHO)
Mike Huckabee
(OK this one is terminally embarrassing.)
This guy sure pals around with a lot of child molesters. ’Nough said.
John Kasich
Who’s that guy again? Oh, right, the governor of Ohio, who expanded Medicaid with Obamacare dollars, and he doesn’t even want to Kill All The Gays or the Supreme Court. Maybe he should run as a Democrat instead.
(But he used to be an investment banker. And he thinks working at Fox News is RL experience.)
Ted Cruz
He went to all the best ivies and is supposed to be the world’s greatest debater IN THE WORLD, and yet, huh, nobody is saying how impressive he was in his first presidential debate, weird.
Rand Paul
This was a terrific moment from the Republican debate that basically captured how almost everyone in America feels about Sen. Rand Paul, MD: What the hell are you talking about and why are you even here? He has, like, three “libertarian” stoner supporters, and the gay math wizards tell us that’s not quite enough to get elected to the White House. Oh well.
Marco RubioCome on, really? Mr. “I’m Not A Scientist, Man” is going to be president? Nuh uh, no he’s not.
(Then why doesn't he listen to scientists?)
Donald Trump
(Well not terminally embarrassing but still funny.)
LOL. Suuuuure.
Rick Perry
Yes, he got himself some smart glasses. No, they have not made him any smarter.
Bobby Jindal
During the junior debate, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal said he believes Planned Parenthood has been “caught” breaking the law. He also believes in exorcisms. Next?
(Really a Rhodes scholar backing creationism? How do you spell pandering? I spell it Bobby Jindal.)
Rick Santorum
He is weird and gross, doesn’t like sex, was fired by double digits by the voters of his home state of Pennsylvania, and has been whining like a little *** about how it’s NOT FAIR! that he had to sit at the kids’ table even though he was “runner up” in the 2012 Republican primary. “Runner up” is not actually a thing. Also, he has only one supporter in Iowa. Her name is Peggy. She probably doesn’t even like him anymore either.
(and he has come out in public as against birth control.)
George Pataki
He was the RINO governor of New York one time, when it got 9/11’d. He acts like that’s some sort of winning argument, but you can tell he knows he’s not gonna win.
Lindsey Graham
He promised to be a great president for rich white men. And if this were the old-timey days of the 18th century, that might work for him. Alas, it’s not.
Jim Gilmore
No, seriously, who?
Carly Fiorina
Right now, Republicans are like oooooh and ahhhhhhh because Carly Fiorina was the clear winner of the super losers’ loser debate. That’s like being impressed that she didn’t choke on the glue she was eating. Her big pitch to Republican voters is that her vagina will neutralize Hillary Clinton’s vagina, and also she once ran a once-great tech company into the ground, set it on fire, and then walked away with tens of millions of golden parachute dollars. Enjoy your love affair with her while it last, Republicans. Another 11 seconds should be enough.
(I have stated my opinion of Carly. Offshorer in chief.)
Ah, but maybe we are wrong, and one of these 17 idiots is going to be the next decider-in-chief. What do we know? We’re just a ***-joke-telling mommyblog recipe hub anyway.
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By Asura.Kingnobody 2015-08-07 21:29:29
You know, I never would have thought of a "news source" that could be more bias than Huffpost, Fox, Washington Post, New York Post, and LA Times, and Chanti brings us lolwonk, who is more biased than all of them combined.....
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-08-08 09:29:21
You know, I never would have thought of a "news source" that could be more bias than Huffpost, Fox, Washington Post, New York Post, and LA Times, and Chanti brings us lolwonk, who is more biased than all of them combined..... I warned you of that at the start.
This a news source that is significantly to the left of Mother Jones and the Nation. I mean they fly the hammer and sickle.
They have a wonderful yellow journalism style which has so vanished from major sources except for Fox.
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By Asura.Kingnobody 2015-08-08 09:34:25
You know, I never would have thought of a "news source" that could be more bias than Huffpost, Fox, Washington Post, New York Post, and LA Times, and Chanti brings us lolwonk, who is more biased than all of them combined..... I warned you of that at the start.
This a news source that is significantly to the left of Mother Jones and the Nation. I mean they fly the hammer and sickle.
They have a wonderful yellow journalism style which has so vanished from major sources except for Fox. Other news networks have yellow journalism by the way.
CNN, MSNBC, Washington Post, NY Times, NY Post, LA Times, hell, pretty much all mainstream media dabbles in yellow journalism often. Why else do you think they stay in business? Fair and unbiased reporting? That doesn't exist anymore...
But seriously, this rag goes beyond all that. It's Alex Jones-style crazy. And I can't believe (well, actually I can) you actually read this ***.
This "source" is for the lunatics only. Just look at the *** you posted and tell me that anyone but the insane will believe any of this.
Garuda.Chanti
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-08-08 10:23:36
Believable stuff from my last post:
Quote: Chris Christie
Nobody likes Chris Christie. Like, no one. The voters in his own state of New Jersey can’t stand him, and describing how he does sex to his wife, with *** pills, certainly won’t endear him to Republicans
Mike Huckabee
This guy sure pals around with a lot of child molesters. ’Nough said.
Rick Perry
Yes, he got himself some smart glasses. No, they have not made him any smarter. That's not looking hard at all.
P. S. You honestly have no idea of what yellow journalism is. Remind me to PM you some examples sometime.
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By Asura.Kingnobody 2015-08-08 18:12:11
P. S. You honestly have no idea of what yellow journalism is. Remind me to PM you some examples sometime. Wait, you are accusing me of not knowing what yellow journalism is?
Do you really want examples from liberal media creating sensational and otherwise untrue headlines about "news stories"? Or is your head so far in the sand that you can hear Chinese?
Garuda.Chanti
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By Garuda.Chanti 2015-08-08 18:53:43
Yes.
There are few media outlets that practice it today. The New York Daily news, The New York Post, Fox "news", and all those supermarket tabloids spring right to mind.
Quote: CNN, MSNBC, Washington Post, NY Times, NY Post, LA Times, hell, pretty much all mainstream media dabbles in yellow journalism often. Why else do you think they stay in business? Fair and unbiased reporting? That doesn't exist anymore... CNN, Washington Post, NY Times, LA Times do not. I am undecided about MSNBC. I neither read it on the web nor watch TV.
I agree about the disappearance of accurate reportage, but I still often find both fair and unbiased reporting. Unfortunately its mostly found in those human interest and grisly murder stories.
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By Asura.Kingnobody 2015-08-08 19:39:16
Yes.
There are few media outlets that practice it today. The New York Daily news, The New York Post, Fox "news", and all those supermarket tabloids spring right to mind.
Quote: CNN, MSNBC, Washington Post, NY Times, NY Post, LA Times, hell, pretty much all mainstream media dabbles in yellow journalism often. Why else do you think they stay in business? Fair and unbiased reporting? That doesn't exist anymore... CNN, Washington Post, NY Times, LA Times do not. I am undecided about MSNBC. I neither read it on the web nor watch TV.
I agree about the disappearance of accurate reportage, but I still often find both fair and unbiased reporting. Unfortunately its mostly found in those human interest and grisly murder stories. Well, there's half of the definition applied to all media outlets you just admitted, and it's the harder half to apply too.
So, now all you need is proof of sensationalism, which is very simple if you even bothered to read their "stories"
But let me tell you something. Just because you agree to the sensationalism doesn't mean it stops being sensationalism.... Just because you don't like the source doesn't mean they are the only one's playing into sensationalism... They are all guilty of that.
[+]
This a news source that is significantly to the left of Mother Jones and the Nation. I mean they fly the hammer and sickle.
They have a wonderful yellow journalism style which has so vanished from major sources except for Fox.
But they don't just castigate the right, they take on pretentious fools like Deepak Chopra as well.
I will continue to post their tirades against the right in Random P&R when appropriate but their rants against fools will be posted here.
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